Aug.24.2010 at 10:38 am | Alix B. Golden
[in-di-pen-duh nt]
When I was a little kid, my grandfather used to call me “Indy,” short for independent. I was a baby in a household full of grown ups so I never had to do anything for myself, but I often demanded the opportunity to try (or at least that’s what I hear).
When I ws a teenager, my mom didn’t really know what to do with my independent mind. I was always doing things without her. Filling out college applications, job applications…I got my first bank account without her and she didn’t know until the checks came in the mail.
I often wonder how much guidance I missed out on simply because I was in such a rush to do things on my own…Maybe I would have made different choices…Maybe I would have capitalized off of someone else’s mistakes…
Being able to describe youself as independent is always seen as a positive, but realistically, it can be easily be a negative.
[in-di-pen-duh nt] –adjective
1. not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc.; thinking or acting for oneself: an independent thinker.
2. not relying on another or others for aid or support.
3. rejecting others’ aid or support; refusing to be under obligation to others.
Its cool to say that you’re an independent thinker. It’s a great thing to say you do not participate in group think…But without a group, one can get a bit lonely.
My independent mind often forgets to share my thoughts with people in the same room with me. I might go to the store and forget to ask the person previously sitting next to me if they want to go with me. My independent mind often shuts out the world.
I suck at relying on other people, but I am a professional at rejecting other’s aid…You can imagine how much trouble that gets me in with girlfriends.
Growing up, I went without a lot of things because I knew my mom didn’t have extra money for things I wanted, but didn’t need. I didn’t want to rely on her and in some ways, I rejected her aid before she even offered it. I didn’t want to ask her to do things only to hear her say no only because we couldn’t afford it or have her put us in a financial bind because she said yes.
That pattern has stuck with me over the years. Now when someone does something for me or simply offers, I often end up thinking about what they will have to go without in order to assist me…and that makes me feel inconsiderate, even a bit selfish…So I’ve often kept my mouth shut when I shouldn’t have because opening it isn’t easy for me…
But I’m working on it…
I do that too, and a friend of mine called me an “emotional top”, basically someone who won’t let down their guards enough to let other people to take care of them. It’s easy to love folk, but for me, it’s harder to let them love me by leaning on them a bit.
I was like that most of my life, but think I’ve gotten over it some in more recent years. True, I’m pretty much a hermit, but an extroverted one, and I’ve come to realize I don’t really need folks in my life from whom I’m not comfortable asking for help.
One lesson I’ve learned the hard way is that when you’re used to always being the one to take care of others, if you, yourself, fold, for whatever reason, folks who are used to you being a rock fold as well, have no idea how to help one who’s never needed it. For me, during my back collapse, stuck by myself up in the tower for a month before surgery, it was just too fucking dangerous.
Afterwards I learned to start asking for help in little ways, in order to familiarize folks with the fact that I’m neither infallible nor invulnerable, so that if I’m ever again in drastic need, folks won’t freeze.
Does this make any sense?
I’m like that too. Right now i’m jobless and i turn down girls whenever they ask me out cos if i’m not paying for everything then i’m buying the drinks and she’s paying for the food and only because she insisted on it.
i don’t see anything wrong with being independent. i mean i think i was born that way and then half of me became that way watching the downfall of dependent people. ultimately, whatever happens in our life is our responsibility.