Aug.3.2010 at 10:13 am | Alix B. Golden
Giving (and Getting) The Truth
She told me a story about this man, a player, a pimp that journalled his exploits. When he was ready to settle down, he gave his journals to his bride-to-be. She questioned that move. Why would you do that? “If she still wants me after she reads all of that, then she really loves me.”
Hmmm…
I’ve spent quite a bit of time on Her blog. Yes, I said it. Her blog. I’ve been aware of Her work for some time, but I wasn’t a regular reader. Until now. Funny how that works, right?
When She told me the story about the player pimp, we were on the same page, as we usually are. I don’t understand how any woman could read about my trials and tribulations and think, “ooh, she’s sexy/intriguing/exciting/my-future-baby-mama.” Ha!
Yes, I have a way with words. No, I’m not being cocky. I’m speaking the truth…But this blog right here is more about content than the sentence structure, SAT vocabulary, and hyperbole. This is my life! Everything that is created in my mind is labeled “Creative Writing.” Everything else? I can’t make this up.
So yeah, She knew my words first from before I had ever posted a picture. She admired my word play from afar, but now that afar is near, the thought of Her reading my words makes me a bit anxious. Why?
There was this blogger last year. She read my blog on a daily. She commented on the regular and when she decided she wanted me, all of a sudden she couldn’t handle my posts. I was confused. You already knew what it was. This wasn’t fictional content. What the fuck did you expect?
I often tell people to look at the date on the post. My posts show changes in outlooks. They show changes in behavior. Hell, yall have even seen changes in my location. The keyword here is change. I haven’t been stagnant. I lived the posts I wrote 2 years ago. The person I am now has been affected by those experienced. I’ve learned lessons.
SN: You might be wondering what the point of this post is. Its not what I intended, but this is how its ending up. I promise, I’m gonna tie it all together.
We’re in agreement that I’m making sense? Right.
Well, let me throw a curve ball in there. I’m a Libra. You know I see the other side of the situation too.
People will tell you who they are. You just have to pay attention. Well, hello! It’s all in print right here. Should I blame someone for reading my words and bailing out? Like I said earlier, why would they want to be a part of my story?
*shrugs*
So I’ve probably read at least 20 of her posts today. Maybe as many yesterday. Sigh.
But there is this one post…Just one so far…That has me completely fucked up.
It is blatantly honest. I think it’s the realest shit I’ve ever read. She put everything out there…
And now that it’s out there, I can see it floating around me and I can’t help but to wonder what to do with it.
I’m not crazy. I know that I need to look at the date…But that post…It scared me.
It wasn’t all brand new. Some of it I knew because She’d alluded to it. Other things I knew…because I just did. Yet there is something about seeing the words in print that made them concrete, it gave them a heartbeat, it brought them to life.
I am torn.
I know that as a writer, a blog writer, there are times I’ve had to write things that I didn’t want to, but the words were sitting there. They were hard posts, revealing posts. Posts that I knew I would be judged over. Yet I wrote them anyway. After all who expects someone to crush on them through their blog?
I have told women that I have interacted with that weren’t privy to my blog, what they would be getting into by dealing with me. I let it all hang out. Isn’t it the same thing?
You would think so, but as I’m writing, I think it’s not. I can’t speak for all bloggers, but when we write about our lives, there is an element of honesty that is there that isn’t always there in spoken word. Maybe because more people will witness it. Maybe because you don’t actually have to look someone in their eyes to make the confession.
Isn’t the truth supposed to set us free? Hmmm…
This post is longer than I intended. God bless you if you’re still reading. Go see a shrink if you actually get it. Ha!
I’m an idiot.
This. Is. Why. I. Write.
There is something about writing that clears your throughts…And somehow, I managed to make sense of the jumbled mess.
I know Her now. Not then. And while I read the truth, I can’t hold her own reality against Her.
And if I’m being honest, it hasn’t changed how I feel about Her. I really just realized how real She is. That makes my own imperfections that much easier to deal with.
Did I break my promise?
Damn, you KNOW I feel you! But then you also know I’m just as in-yo-face in person as on the page. One big difference — which seems to grow bigger all the time — is that you’re still out there, in the world, wishing to find that special someone. I’ve noticed as I drift further and further from that place that I no longer even CONSIDER what anyone might think.
I admit, though, that it’s only been once or twice that I DID consider that, and those times were more about WOULD ANYONE WANT TO FUCK ME IF THEY KNEW THIS? I never feared anyone actually LOVING me less. I think maybe our readers are more loyal than you realize.
But what an odd twist, that it’s not about YOU worrying you said too much, but that reading someone ELSE’S blog has caused a hitch in your step! I’m wracking my brain to remember back to all my blog crushes, trying to think if that ever happened to me, but I don’t believe it did.
I remember all your previous concerns with women you’d meet, your fears of telling them about your blog, and I always admired your juggling abilities, because though I didn’t necessarily choose it that way, almost all my readers have always been strangers, too — well, until I went and met most of them (and, in your case, moved in!) But the flip side? Pups, I can’t even IMAGINE! But I CAN imagine how it must tear you up, make you feel hypocritical. Of course, without more information, it’s hard to say more…..
I’m fine now. I was really going through it when I first started writing. It’s amazing to me how I can work things out with words.
Ain’t it the truth! Glad you worked it out.
XX
Ain’t it the truth! Glad you worked it out.
XX
Is it a natural fear that we don’t want someone to know the worst things about us or our past? Yeah.
Speaking for myself, I admire those that put it out there. Blunt, honest. It’s fake and tiring trying to get to know someone with all the posturing and pretending that goes on. So someone who is putting it out there, and just being themselves is certainly appealing.
The important part was “I know her now. Not then”.
And for some reason I keep thinking “give a man a mask and he will speak the truth”. Maybe a blog is a mask or sorts?
It is a mask. It’s a huge mask that you never really intend to take off, lol…
I like this. I admire the both of you, and your ability to be as real and as blunt and as honest as your head and heart allows. It is HARD as fuck, harder than people think… to put your whole, hell, even your half self all the way out there every single week, but we write because we love it, we’re good at it, and it’s our calling… and through your writing… look what you’ve found. Proof that in the end all that matters is exactly what you said: content, and knowing that the person typing behind the screen is the real deal.
Great post.
Thank you, Knowledge. I knew you’d get it…
You hit me hard with this post. There is a certain post I’ve been wanting to write about my impefections, but of course, sharing my imperfections are what’s stopping me. But you’ve always been open and honest with your blog, and that’s what resonates and why you’ve got so many faithful followers. You’re not afraid to put your happiness and disappointments out there. Keep it up…
Just write it! You’ll feel great afterwards…
Well written Sis and long as hell, but I get you. I’ll keep my comment short. In the very beginning of this post you asked yourself why she would want to be apart of your story having read your blog…maybe it’s the same reason why after reading hers and not knowing how to take it…at the end of this post you still said, “if I’m being honest, it hasn’t changed how I feel about Her.” Love you sis.