Jul.5.2010 at 12:00 pm | Alix B. Golden
Wants vs Needs
I’ve been thinking a lot about past relationships. One relationship sticks out like a sour thumb. It’s not because it was good. It sticks out because it never should have been a romantic relationship.
Ever meet someone and this person looks so good on paper that you feel yourself drawn to them? You can literally start checking things off the list of your requirements for your partner. They meet your list of wants perfectly.
In my situation, even though she was what I wanted, she wasn’t what I needed.
I could not be my normal sweet self with her. Why? I don’t know. Every time I tried to talk myself into doing something thoughtful for her, I would instead talk myself out of it. I was never sure my gestures would be appreciated…And I wasn’t sure she even deserved it.
But she was what I wanted? Yes. She was. She had a career, not just a job. She owned her home. She had a coupla fancy degrees. She had been there, done things. She had experienced the world.
That’s why you have to be aware of the difference between what you want and what you need.
While I wanted her, having her in my life was detrimental to my emotional well being. Simply put: She made me feel like shit. Being me didn’t feel like enough for her. While I would never say that she did that on purpose, her presence in my life brought forth every insecurity I had every felt. Everything I enjoyed about being me, was overshadowed by negativity.
That’s why you have to be careful what you ask for. You might get it. And it might not be good for you.
My list of wants are a bit different now. What I want in a partner has less to do with concrete things, and more to do with compatible personality traits.
Maybe next time I get what I want, it’ll be exactly what I need.
Good post, perfect timing.
Thanks!
Yeah, there is a huge difference btwn wants and needs. I don’t think there is anything wrong with getting either. It helps us redefine ourselves and figure out that difference.
I agree completely. The only way to learn the difference is through experience…
I’m a new reader sorta, but never commented. Enjoy your blog and writing.
This is an interesting post and it made me wonder if you dated this person only because of the material things that she had? Do you think your motives were not pure and that maybe it backfired because of that?
And what’s wrong with a coupla of fancy degrees? It sounds like you harbor resentment from her “success” which is unfair and I’ve had it happen to me.
In any case, surely you should not date someone who makes you feel like shit so you were right to remove yourself from this situation. But you definitely have to date someone for the right reasons and it sounds like you did not. Maybe I’m wrong?
Hey Lorna! Jumping right in with a bang, huh?
Yeah, you’re wrong about my motives. I find it slightly amusing that you chose to concentrate on that part of the blog rather than anything else I’ve written. I didn’t date this woman that had it all because I thought that I would gain materialistically or monetarily by being with her. That’s never who I’ve been as a person. My point in bringing up the fact that she had these degrees(and everything else) is that just because someone looks good on paper, it doesn’t mean they are perfect for you.
I don’t care if the person I’m with has 1 degree, 2 degrees…If they are a doctor, a lawyer, a baggage handler, a store clerk…Because at the end of the day, none of that stuff really matters if they are the right person for you.
This girl looked down on anyone that she didn’t feel was in their proper place in life. She judged everyone by the timeline of achievements she had set for herself. She would speak about other people, not understanding why they hadn’t done more, why they hadn’t experienced more. She didn’t stop to consider that everyone didn’t grow up with the money she had. She was a spoiled, snobby rich kid that looked down on everyone for not having as much as she had. In reality, most of what she had she didn’t achieve, it was given to her. Maybe I did resent the fact that she never had to work hard for anything…
I reread my comment/question. I did not mean to offend so I hope I did not. Thanks for the response.
I guess I focused on that part because I have been judged by women that I have dated who did not finish college or whatever. They would accuse me of looking down on them when many times I was simply just living my life. College degress and money does not make a person. It does not define me, but I do find it hard to date some women who do not have their own because they perceive me as a snob or casting judgement, which is odd because I would date them so obviously it was not an issue.
In any case, great post. Wants vs.Needs: sometimes you do not know what you need until you get what you want. Co-sign!
Lorna B, I wish you were an old reader. You might not have assumed the worst about this brown girl right out the gate. I see your point and when people go into relationships for the wrong reasons, it’s bound to fail. However, whether you have a degree or not, you go into relationships with certain expectations. As women we know what we want in a partner on the surface and underneath. If someone has one and not the other, there is no reason to settle. You can try to hang in there, hoping it will work but at the end of the day, if you don’t feel your are completely satisfied with someone, they will not be completely satisfied with you and it’s time to call the whole shindig off.
wow. this is a good one…makes you think. great insight as always!
Thank you, Tami. Smh. I checked out the blog. You always have something going on!
I think I know who you mean, and if I’m correct, I think part of the problem was where you were in your life at the time, how insecure and borderline incapable you were feeling. I think she fed off your vulnerabilities, but at a different time in your life that may not have been possible.
This is not to excuse her — because that vulturistic behavior is never necessary — but only to point at that there are not only differences in wants and needs, but that they can both also vary according to where you are in your life, what happens to be on your current platter.
You’re right. They definitely change.
It happens with friends too, btw. I have a friend that makes me feel exactly how you describe. And who wants to feel like shit all the time? Apparently, I did for awhile because I remained friends. However, in the last couple of months I have examined our friendship and realized something. Not. What. I. Need. So I’m movin’ on. Glad you did too.
“That’s why you have to be aware of the difference between what you want and what you need.” This line, Alix, reminds me of Mama Odie serenading Tiana and the Frog Prince with the song, “Dig a Lil Deeper.” So many of us are so unaware of this difference.
Hell, I am probably walking down that road right now myself, but somewhere I’ll turn and head in another direction, after going much deeper.
When you are one with your inner essence, the difference between what you want and what you need becomes clear. But everything we survive does make us better, wiser and stronger so….*smiling*
TheGoldenGoddess
Exactly…
Once again thank you for posting something thought provoking!
I have been on the other side of this situation. Where I meet someone’s “checklist” of Ivy League degrees, career, world travel, homeownership, etc. Now I am from very humble beginnings and don’t like folks who are elitist. So I try my very best to not make someone feel “less than” based on these sorts of things. I deeply believe that a person is not accomplishments or achievements, so I don’t date people based on those criteria.
Despite my efforts though, I have dated a few people who seemed cool with everything in the beginning because I met their “checklist.” Even though, I don’t treat them differently or look down on them, something in their psyche changes. As time wears on, their insecurities (I guess that’s what it is) start to get the best of them and they start to feel challenged by the fact that they have what they thought they wanted.
What are your thoughts on what those of us on this side of the story should do? Do we hide our accomplishments (just kidding)? Do we miss out on really great people by only dating ones that have completed the same checkboxes and had the same life experiences (which sounds kinda dull)? How do we help the person we’re dating to feel like they are enough simply by being who they are?
I’m going to answer you, but I think my answer will be fairly long. It’ll be a post of it’s very own- coming soon…
[...] another post Kat asked: What are your thoughts on what those of us on this side of the story should do? Do we [...]