Jul.27.2010 at 4:45 pm | Alix B. Golden
eliminating pressure
During my sabbatical, I’ve had people admit to crushes, I’ve had people try to set me up, I’ve made new “friends.” Why now?
There is something about eliminating pressure from the “getting to know you” process that allows things to just flow. There is no pretext. No thought of expectations. We can exchange words. We can talk when we feel like it. We can do whatever because I’m not in the space where I can make demands of anyone.
To me it’s kinda like having someone tell you they are celibate. The anticipation or worry about how a date will end disappears. You can focus on what’s important without anticipating the sex. It keeps your mind clear. Dare I say it frees you…
This sabbatical has also eliminated those without staying power. The women with crushes have come and gone. And I’m okay with it. I no longer want temporary romances. I don’t want my next relationship to be nigga rigged (excuse my vernacular). I don’t want anything that will work, for NOW. I need something more permanent.
And I can wait if it means I get forever in return…
I’m in that same place. I guess I AM getting old. LOL!
I didn’t say it, you did…
Some people date in order to get to know the person, but I don’t want to date unless I already know the person.
Dates just scream “potential lovers” to me and I know that more often than not, the people that you date won’t be with you for the long haul. Sometimes others take “dating” as a cue to speed past the process of discovering friendship before becoming lovers. People also seem to try extra hard to impress and make things seem like they’re everything they’re not when dating; the next thing you know you’re in a relationship with a total nutcase. Those are some of the reasons why many relationships fail.
So rather than staying on the merry-go-round, it would be better to switch things up and simply befriend them before thinking about dating, in my opinion. Going out to eat with them will simply be ‘going out to eat’ and not dating. Going to the park with them will simply be ‘hanging out at the park’ and not a dating. It will enable you to be yourself and allow them to get to know you for who you really are.
I think that whatever term you want to use people are going to try hard to impress you if they have an interest in you. It doesn’t matter if you call it hanging out, if you see yourselves as simply friends if they don’t… If someone is trying to impress you, with time you’ll be able to see through the facade anyway…
I agree completely with the fact that removing the pressure is greatly beneficial. Personally speaking, I’m tired of meeting ‘representatives’ and then finding out that I have absolutely no idea who the hell I’m with!! I also despise individuals who feign acceptance only to later try their hardest to change me. Lesbians often move too fast, it’s time to break the cycle. =)
You’re absolutely right…
Hmmmm. Love the blog and the responses. Am not dating now…after an incredibly long dry season. I think I’m getting to know me, more and more, minus the notion of the concept of time and one being of a certain age and expected to know all things about herself and everybody else. To know is to discover afresh, constantly, same as we discover the gift in each new morning we are blessed to unwrap.
I concur with the others in speaking of removing the pressure from dating. That expectation of “being in a relationship,” of sex, of being accepted by the other’s family, of presenting a picture of a tantalizing twosome whenever you are seen out is nerve-wreaking! Let’s simply enjoy one another for now, and be open to the flow of whatever that brings. Dating has the ring of “now you belong to me” after three or four times out together. The control thing can be a wart if you don’t know how to banish it by not falling victim to it out of the stalls. Then again some of us are so confused when it comes to control and the need to be paired. But that is another response for another blog! I digress….LOL
Returning to the tasks at hand…English to Spanish translations.
Paz y bendiciones
Alix,
I totally understand! I want forever in return for WAITING…for YEARS, but I believe everything is as it should be. I am happy. I know love and romance are mine, un dia!
Lovin’ your blog.
TheGoldenGoddess