Jul.13.2010 at 10:00 am | Alix B. Golden
90 days, 13 weeks, 3 months
I was having a moment. One day my life, or maybe just my mind (I’m not sure which is worse), was filled with other people’s needs/wants. Who were these people? Girls. Girls that were not my girlfriend. Girls that would never be my girlfriend. Girls that I was still somehow romantically linked to. I was sat and wondered, how the fuck did I get here?
My brother happened to call while I was having this thought. She was in a similar (but not the same) position. I told her how I was over it. I just wanted to focus on me. I didn’t want to think about how my actions might effect someone else. I just wanted to find a job, get my own place and live my life. I did not want to be distracted by these girls that probably wouldn’t be permanent fixtures in my life.
And the odd thing was my bro was feeling like she needed a break too. Hence the beginning of our sabbatical from women. That was about a month and a half ago.
- The terms: No sex. Of any kind…No dating. And there’s more, but we’re kinda making them up as we go…
- Purpose: To keep ourselves focused on our own personal goals.
- End date: Labor Day Weekend
90 days, 13 weeks, 3 months
This whole sabbatical has given me a lot of time to think about my most recent dealings with women. A few statistics:
- I’ve had 4 sex partners in the last 2 years.
- 3 of 4 were committed relationships.
- 2 of 4 still keep in contact.
- I did not have sex more than 10 times with any of them.
- None of them lasted longer than 6 months.
Depressing when I see it all spelled out that way. I need things to change.
90 days, 13 weeks, 3 months
Most of you know that I am not the most patient person when it comes to romance. Actually, I’m not really patient about anything. Well…
I leap. I follow my heart. And my heart has a bad sense of direction. So I’m imposing a 90 day rule on myself.
I must know someone 90 days before considering commitment to them.
90 days, 13 weeks, 3 months
The representative disappears. The disagreements happen. Not to bite of MTV, but people start getting real.
And sex? I would love it if the next person I’m intimate with stayed around for longer than 6 months. But I’ not going to wait for a commitment to have sex. Sorry, I enjoy sex way too much to risk getting stuck with an incompatible sex partner.
So 90 days, 13 weeks, 3 months…
What dating rules do you have?
Hey ABG,
I have always been a relationship girl. I have had several long term relationships and never really dated. I am coming out of a relationship now and would like to explore dating a bit.
I agree with you that you have to “test drive” before you buy.
As far as rules, I am a little inexperienced here. I would think honesty and communication is a must. Clear communications prevents the drama. She needs to know that there are ithers and you are dating without commitment.
If you let her stay the night, she needs to leave with all her shit. (Women are quick to move in on you.)
I think that’s it. I look forward to reading the responses so I can learn some ish.
Thanks, ABG, for another great post.
~VagChick
I’m a relationship girl, but I take advantage of being single by doing lots of dating, lol. I’m not really good at dating. You see the kind of characters I run into…
So 90 days, 13 weeks, 3 months…
It’s me & you bro!
I commend you. It’s not an easy thing to do. We all know that it is more healthy to focus on ourselves between relationships so we can really see what we need, what we’re looking for, what we really want and expect. It’s not selfish to be particular. It will be amazing to see what you discover in these 90 days. I can’t wait to hear.
As for me I’m an overlapper. You know the type. I don’t recommend it. Never really taken the time to get to know myself and my needs between relationships. Hell, there was no IN BETWEEN. I regret that. Lucky I found my match but damn did I have to suffer to get here. Would have been better off taking some time off. 90 days would have been perfect.
Good luck. Keep us updated.
Tonya! A serial dater! I’m happy it’s worked for you…
what is it about us libras… leaping first… not knowing what or who will catch us… it’s been longer than THIS for me… and i can honestly say my mind is still about as clear as mud.
i need therapy. i need to talk to someone who went to school to handle other people’s problems. yes… indeed
Jewel, I’ve single longer too, but I’ve never forced myself into being single when I had options. And you know being in this city, I have more options than I should. Yeah, we leap without thinking about where we’re gonna land. I’m gonna do better. With time & patience…
Wow, you sure picked a difficult time to try that, thrown into the thick of things in the A, after such a long trek through the desert! Obviously, you mean it, or you wouldn’t have made your commitment to commitmentlessness so public!
I haven’t had all that many relationships, but the ones I’ve had have all been long term, and in terms of how they turned out, I don’t really see any difference between the ones I fucked on sight and the ones that took some doing for me to get them into bed.
But then, I know there’s nothing all that “normal” about the way I do things, and that my shit rarely applies to others.
Still, I think you’ve made a wise choice for YOU, and doing it in the A makes it all that much more real. We’re all routing for you!
Thanks, Em!
im a relatuonship girl too. damn libras!! :-/ i love love. i hate being alone. i stayed with my ex about 4 yrs too long. lol. i can get with the 90 day thing. im really glad im outta the dating game. i hate tryna figure it all out. not dating in da a…damn. i couldnt do it.
It doesn’t bother me to be alone. I don’t mind being single. I just don’t know how to date. In the past, it’s been either I’m single or in a relationship. One extreme or the other…
Cracks me up hearing you talk about not knowing how to date, since you’ve probably dated more than anyone I know! But maybe that’s it, huh.
obviously I’m not very good at it!
I hate numerical limitations. I like going with the flow of things, but I certainly respect your restraint. I am dating a woman now, and we have been really just dating for about 8 months now. We don’t live together, we don’t see each other everyday, and we don’t always go out together. We’re getting to know each other slowly.
I respect the 90 fast, because I think,lesbians especially (sorry) move VERY fast, and crash and burn most times. For me,getting to know someone is essential. You never know. I just don’t waste my time anymore with anyone who doesn’t have real potential to be with me.
It’s true. The lesbian timeline seems to be a bit faster than the rest of society
I’m a relationship gyrl. I’ve had 2 very long relationships, but I’ve been single for 2 years now. I moved to ATL in a relationship, so the rules that I used elsewhere don’t apply here. I don’t know if its me or the women here, but I’ve never been one to rush into anything and everyone wants to just jump right into a full blown relationship. I like to take my time and get to know a person, but DAMN these women try to work FAST! So needless to say, I haven’t dated in about a year and I’m okay with that.
It might be the city. Things do seem to move a bit quick here…
Goodness!
Enjoyed reading your blog entry about a concept several of my friends used to chatter about continuously. “No more moving fast for me, Gyrl,” they’d say. “If she can’t wait 90 days, she’s not worth it. I don’t care how cute she is!” Seemed to me, though, in most cases the “wait” was for jumping into the sack, not “waiting” to enjoy getting to know another person. That 8 month-getting-to-know-you deal might have literally been the death of some of my crew.
Nonetheless, I respect you experimenting with the concept. I tend to move incredibly slow, when getting to know another, and I am most definitely a people person and a Relationship Gyrl, who has not been in one for almost 4 years. Don’t know. I’m definitely working on my own irons in the fire and loving the journey; however, my soul crys out for the coupling all of us so essentially need and require to lead wholesome, happy lives. Yes, family helps, but when they go off alone to enjoy their relationships…then what?
Eventually, the chapter ends.
The poem is complete.
The riveting plot meets its end.
The exiting movie unreels credits.
And you are back the realization, it’s time.
I will admit that I think more women need to take time to know themselves and the desires of their hearts and bodies, but enough is enough!
To a large extent, I find dating interesting, but for me to really go with its flow, long-term potential must be present!
Loving the peeps into the windows of your world…
I’m not waiting to enjoy getting to know another person. I’m forcing myself to spend that 90 days getting to know them before I commit myself to them.