Mar.1.2010 at 8:27 am | Alix B. Golden
The Sex Talk
Original Post Date: April 19, 2009
I have started writing this entry at least 15 times…It’s a little difficult to write because I’ve never really had to consider that the person I would be writing about would actually be reading. I’ve always revealed it all. That’s not going to change now…
I found myself having the sex conversation tonight. You know the conversation straight people don’t have to have because their sex lives are so completely straightforward. They don’t have to negotiate or clarify definitions.
There are things we both know about each other sexually. For her, sex includes a strap. For the last 5 or 6 years, I haven’t been penetrated with anything thicker than 3 fingers. The idea of a strap doesn’t get me wet…
I don’t have good memories of straps. I remember pain afterwards. Lingering pain. Who would get excited about that?
For me, sex includes pleasing my partner. That means doing to them whatever they like. If they want me to wear a strap, I will. If they want to be penetrated with anything, I will. When I think about touching my lover, those are not even acts I imagine myself doing. I like giving head! If I can give my lover head, and they have a mind blowing orgasm, I’m good.
Being that I reject the femme label, I feel as though I spend more time explaining this to possible lovers than most. I’m aggressive, but not all of the time. I don’t want to do all of the work. That’s why I like aggressive women.
I like knowing that the woman I’m with wants to please me. That it’s her ultimate goal to make sure that I make it to ecstasy island…
I don’t like feeling as though I’m not an active participant in the sexual act. I don’t like feeling like someone just did something to me, that we did not do something together.
Even if I am laying flat on my back and my lover is doing her thing, I like knowing that there is something I am doing that can send her overboard, even if I haven’t laid a hand on her.
I want to know that we both have the capability of being equally sprung.
Am I making sense?
I have made a decision that should this progress to sex, I will allow her to use a strap on me. She has convinced me that a lot of women lack technique and since I don’t remember being in pain with men, I believe she might be right. I had never thought about it that way before.
The conversation ended with both of us feeling frustrated. I see question marks floating in the atmosphere between us.
Has anyone ever made compromises sexually? How do you feel about straps? Have you ever stopped talking to someone because of the sex talk?
Everytime I read your posts, you always say a line that makes me laugh out loud (although I doubt you’re trying to be funny).
However, I disagree when you say people in straight relationships don’t have to negotiate though. For example, I hate anal. I don’t like anything thick and long being shoved up my ass. That hurts really bad! I’ve only had one sexual relationship (I’m super picky), so I can only give you a limited point of view. (Sorry!)
Anyway, we had to talk about what we would and wouldn’t allow in our sessions. I let him do it a few times (sorry if I’m getting graphic), but I just couldn’t take it anymore. So one day, I said, “Look. I don’t want you doing me in the ass anymore.” And that was the end of it. Besides, there were tons of other things we could do as a substitute for that.
I’m sorry, but if I’m in a relationship, they get a 2 hole deal, not 3 holes (unless they’re going to use a tounge or something). To me, like you said, the pain lingered. I mean it lingered for DAYS. It lingered into Monday, it lingered into Tuesday, and even Wednesday. You have to understand, the thickness of what went in me exceeded my hole’s limits. I honestly felt that my pain surpassed his pleasure. His climax lasted for like seconds, my pain lasted for days. It’s just not worth it when there’s other alternatives.
You shouldn’t have to do something that gives you more pain than pleasure. Maybe the two of you can meet eachother half-way by doing something the both of you would enjoy.
If you give it another test drive, don’t feel guilty if you still don’t like it. As Robin Thicke said, “It’s your body.”
Gee, sometimes I do intentionally phrase things to make it a bit more humorous…
You know what I found humorous? You’re straight? I didn’t know! lol…
Anyway, hope you checked out the original post date…though I might have something to else a bit more current to add to this…
Nu, uh, uh! You didn’t read my above message right. =-\
I see the date now, I think I somehow overlooked it because I never pay attention to the date in blogs (which is a bad habit to have).
Yeah, you need to update us on that! What happened then and what is it like now?
Ooooh, I have a bad habit of assuming everyone I know is gay, that’s all…
My intentions when reposting this was to give an update, but I gotta ask the Lil Monkey first…
We’ll see…
In reply to your quote, nooo, you’re still getting it wrong.
I see you changed your layout again. I love it! It’s cute!
I’m so confused. Send me an email!
I did change it again, lots of bugs with the other one…Thanks!
I’m interested in the update as well. I like to hear of the compromises couples make because it reminds me that it is okay to compromise. Idk. I think the sex talk is very important. To answer your question, I’ve never had this issue once I’m sleeping with someone, but it has been the deal breaker when just talking to someone, who i knew I was attracted too, but we would find in the conversation that we weren’t compatible sexually. I never wait too long to have the talk. Not to seem fast, even if i don’t plan on sleeping with them for a while. It still comes up eventually.
I think it’s important to have the talk early on. I’d hate to get to know someone & then realized our sexual needs were completely off base…
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