Black. Lesbian. Writer.

The most detrimental thing you can ever do to your self esteem is stay in a relationship with someone that makes you feel bad about who you are. There are things about yourself that you will never be able to change. They are deeply embedded into your soul and those are the things that make you uniquely you. It takes a strong person to recognize that type of relationship as damaging. Unfortunately, that was not me.

In the last year or so, it seemed as though every woman I dealt with made me feel like shit. I mean, I was happy with them (for the most part) but there was something underlying that made me feel inadequate. Someone was always telling me how I handled my life the wrong way and here I was handling things the only way I knew how.

It boils down to acceptance. They needed to accept me the way I was or move on. People don’t have the right to make you feel bad about who you are in your core, in your heart. Those things about you don’t change, so they either have to accept you how you are, or stop wasting their time trying to change you.

That acceptance also applies to how you feel about yourself. You have to accept the things about yourself that you can’t change. You can’t change everything about yourself or you lose who you are on the inside. The last thing you want to do is look in the mirror into the eyes of a stranger. You have to be comfortable with who you are to receive that acceptance. And once you have that acceptance, it won’t matter what anyone else says.

For me, that acceptance came with being completely single. When the crushes faded and the only person I could count on to bring me smiles was me, I found the feelings of inadequacy begin to fade. I found myself open and ready to receive a different kind of love.

And I am receiving so much love right now. I see it in her eyes. I feel it in her touch. I know she loves me. Even if she never said it again, her actions always reflect it. Imagine that…Her actions speak just as loud as her words.

When we first started to get to know each other, I kept expecting for that feeling of inadquacy to resurface. She made it easy for me to open up and the more she learned about me, the more vulnerable I became and the more I expected her to find fault with something about me. I pushed through my fear of rejection because I wanted her to know me. It was important that she know who she was getting involved with.

While you shouldn’t look for someone to validate who you are, the right person will make you comfortable with your imperfections. You will see your imperfections as characteristics and become more confident in yourself as a person. The right person will add to your self worth, never taking anything away.

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