Sep.30.2009 at 1:29 pm | Alix B. Golden
Forced Into The Closet
Evidently, when I returned to SC, I acquired an admirer. A friend of my mother’s boyfriend has had a interest in me for months and has decided that now is the time for him to act on it. Yippppeee…
Let me just say that I find this situation a little weird. I know how men talk and the fact that things may be said about me to my mother’s boyfriend just seems a little weird. Anyone else agree?
A few nights ago, he asks to officially meet me. He (Maxwell) has a seat in our living room and attempts to have a conversation with me. He starts talking about sports. When he realizes I have no interest in sports, he moves over to food. I’m still not paying him any attention. I wanted so bad to tell him, it was not his conversation that was lacking, it was the fact that he had a penis between his legs…
The boyfriend asked my mom what I said about him, my mom told him that I hadn’t said anything. I gave my mom about 3 or 4 good reasons that I wasn’t interested in him. My mom said she told him that she didn’t think I wanted to be involved with a man right now. I started laughing when she said that and ran over to where she was sitting to give her a hug. She knew exactly what she had said, the boyfriend didn’t really pick up on it.
I didn’t know if my mom had ever told him about my sexuality. I know now that she hasn’t. I’m not sure if that’s for her protection or mine…
There is often negative talk of fags, or transsexuals, or any other person that is obviously part of the LGBTQ community. All my mom ever says is “whatever floats your boat…” but the talk from the men is so harsh and crude.
I want to say something, in defense of them, but I don’t know how to without outing myself. I’m so used to being “out” that I’m not sure how to be “in.” I don’t really want to be “in,” but I feel as though if I out myself, I’m also outing my mom. I don’t want her to have to face the consequences of my sexuality.
Is this one of those situations where I should just keep my mouth shut or is there a way that I can defend my LGBTQ fam without it being obvious that I’m one of them?
Haven’t been by your spot in a while. Nice to be back… In my opinion just keep your mouth shut, and not because of any sort of shame, but simply because it is none of his business. Just like it would be none of his business if you did not like him for any other reason. This day in age people have too much need to be involved in others affairs. ….
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I feel what you’re saying. I have the same problem when I’m around my mom, her boyfriend, and their friends. I just stay away but when im around they kinda just know what im all about from the way I look and the people I hang around.
I think silence is the problem.
Silence, to me, indicates that you agree or at the very least it doesn’t matter to you.
I would say, “hey, I know a lot of gay people and what you’re saying is untrue and hurtful” or whatever defense is appropriate.
It’s not untrue that you know a lot of gay people.
If they start to think you’re gay, you can always lie since letting them assume it is kinda the same thing, any ole how.
I just think we will never get anywhere if we don’t have the uncomfortable conversations.
It’s easy to talk to like-minded people. But if we can change the perspective of even one who stands against us, then we have improved the world that much more.
But that’s just my 2 cents…
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There’s not a right or wrong answer to this. Only choices and consequences. One thing to keep in mind, though, is if you don’t stand up for the LGBTQ community when someone’s talking smack, who will?
I’d keep a low profile and if the subject is discussed, there’s nothing wrong with showing compassion. If it were me, I’d point out the hypocrisy and keep it moving, but that’s me. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your dignity simply because of someone elses discomfort. However, everyone deals with this differently so if it’s something you aren’t prepared to deal with on a confrontational level, then you have to set your limits and maybe just walk away if it comes down to it.
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Alix,
When I’m in a situation where I don’t want to reveal my sexuality bit I want to speak against homophobia I just relate it to racism. I’ll usually say something like; I bet this is how racists sit around and talk about Black people. That usually makes people think.
Glad you’re back.
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Have you spoken in depth with your mom about how you feel? If you don’t know if outing yourself means outing your mom, then you may want to have a conversation with her first. Also, if these guys are as crude as you say, I doubt defending the gay community in their presence will do a lot in changing how they feel about gays. I think sometimes you just have to pick your battles.
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