Black. Lesbian. Writer.

I decided tonight that I would tell her. I would say it because it was true and because I thought she should know. I’m not sure why I chose tonight. Especially when I had decided in my mind that I would wait to see her, to see her reaction…

In my mind, I had a speech prepared. I was super smooth. I was going to tell her and then ask her in one smooth and romantic statement.

It didn’t happen that way. I stumbled. My heart beat fast. I have never before felt so much like a retard. I even called myself a retard.

Then I started telling her how different WE are in comparison to any other situation I’ve ever been in. Knowing that by the time things get physical with us, she’ll be my girl. Knowing that so much time has passed since our first meeting. Knowing that she’s earned my trust in a way that I haven’t given in a long time. The words just slipped out.

I caught her off guard. She asked if she was supposed to say something back. I quickly answered no. There is nothing worse than having someone say something they don’t mean or they feel obligated to say. She told me she felt the same way, but felt like she needed a prelude to her declaration. We laughed. She said that she had been wanting to tell me for so long, but because it was so quick she didn’t want me to feel as though her words didn’t have meaning.

I’m in a loveship. Not a relationship. It’s a little odd to me. I guess I shouldn’t say odd. Definitely different. In my heart, she’s my girl, but I can’t claim her as mine. Or can I? We should still be having conversations about the status of our loveship, but who really sits down and asks someone to be their girl? How do people normally enter into relationships when they are to old to ask someone to “go with” them?

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